Fragments of Self
The boy across the room follows me with his eyes
(He watches me rock to a beat in my head
Because I love to dance alone.
I know he craves my attention rushed and fixated
Like bees to a hive carrying pollen on their legs)
The boy across the room tells me he misses me
(it makes my stomach churn like rusted wheels `
a week ago I might’ve said it back but now I just laugh,
I laugh because I can’t force myself to lie to him or myself)
In our memories, we scoop vanilla ice cream with our hands naked
In an overgrown feild of chrysthaums and pink clouds
The sun clothes us in her glow so we’re dressed in her golden hour
You whisper in my ear, “This is life’s Eve”.
You paint a landscape of your life with honey on my thighs (without consent)
The honey bees swarm and sting your knuckles,
causing your hands to callus and bleed
The honey and blood mix and blend into my skin.
(watercolor paint)
Honeysuckle in between rusted gates, climbing up a fence
“Come down from there!”
***
Love never lasts or maybe I’ve just never felt it.
It dissolves like cotton candy as soon as it touches your tongue
(insert the state fair/ spinning pin stripped machine)
It's sweet and sticky and covers your nerves
so it's all you taste and all you remember.
Much love to showers after the pool, (chlorine makes my natural hair brittle)
Much love to sunsets with hues of pink
Much love to sonnets full of hate
Much love to lavender lemonade (corner of Elysian Feilds)
Much love to the year 2017 and the age 9
***
FOR SALE
Dark green mini coop, my mom calls them slug bugs
My dad calls my sister Ladybug
Bob Marley plays from a stereo, (is this love?)
Love never lasts or maybe I’ve just never felt it.
Y208740 - Tacoma
Sea-Tac airport, we land on the sea
Take a plane that ventures underwater to ATLANTIS
A lost city - A call and response between two lost birds - A lost soul
***
Holy Trinity // The Father // The Son // The Holy Spirt
A city above the clouds he lives (The Father)
Our relationship not yet defined
Who is The Son? (Luke 2: 1 -6)
The Holy Spirit, found in doves and olive leaves
The Holy Spirit rests on angles shoulders
Angles dressed in white linen
Much love to my beliefs not yet defined
Much love to my fear of the ocean
Much love to love letters in a box (To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before)
Much love to pretty words written down on lined paper
(words like symphony, solitude, and serenity)
***
TRUTH
I wish I still had that mini skirt from 2016, I think it’d like how it fits me now more than I did then since my thighs have doubled in size, and I’m no longer ashamed of my legs. I want life to start feeling like that refreshing sensation you get when you’ve just got out of the pool and recently showered, sitting in a home that’s not your own, in a room full of open windows, so all that’s left in existence is you and the salted breeze (saltwater exists, peace exists, sound exists). I always talk about how I can’t wait to graduate and when I finally escape my birdcage I'll find my wings similar to a hummingbird’s and learn what it means to fly. But truthfully, I’m scared. For what will happen to all these memories I keep in my back pocket? Will they lose significance and fade and age like a gum wrapper? (always spearmint) Or will they add to my story and turn into stories I tell to new memories? (Love yourz)
***
We took pictures (my love and I) on disposable cameras before I realized we could be disposable as well,
“Tare care okay, I really enjoyed what we had.” - April 13th (why am i not crying?)
Love never lasts or maybe I’ve just never felt it.
***
Empty glass bottles sit in a windowsill, the light shines through them.
The room is tinted.
Her lips are tinted. (Cherry Pout Fenty Lip Stain)
She covers her scars with concealer, but the ones on her heart are unreachable
The ones on her heart are permanent
She looks a lot like me, especially when I stare into the mirror.
***
“I just didn’t think you went through stuff like that”
Damn
“I’m in love with someone who doesn’t know what it means to be in love”
Damn
She laughs and the sides of her mouth crinkle
She listens with both ears and cares with her whole heart
She puts her health at risk (mentally)
She’s happy (lies exist)
***
My brother can’t get out of bed, I watch him from across the room cry out for help. This was 2016.
My brother can’t get out of bed, I hear from across the hall. This was 2018
My brother can’t get out of bed, I hear from the bathroom. This was every year between 2019-2023
My brother can’t get out of bed, I help him up. This was 2024
***
I’m crying, I’m sitting on the floor and I’m crying. After months of not crying I'm crying. I love crying, I love the feeling of toxins leaving my body and I love having the power to expel them. (acknowledgment exists)
***
“My head’s underwater but I’m not in the shower and ain’t getting baptized” - Mac Miller
TRUTH
I quote lyrics when I’m unsure of how to phrase my own thoughts, and it’s easier to copy another's line than create your own. I hold the snippets I’ve heard close to my heart and carry them with me. Watching them morph and shift with time, their meaning applying to different parts of my life as I grow old. I secretly wish I could token them and brand them as my own. But I’ll always know who those words truly belong to. That particular arrangement of words will always belong to another pair of peachy-colored lips, another memory, and another person I wish I could forget or hold.
“It begins to blur, we get older” - Frank Ocean
Ocean, lost in an ocean opening out into the sea.
I pray for the day where I’ll truly be seen.
***
Much love to double rainbows
Much love to wilted roses
Much love to my reflection reflected
Much love to coconut water and bushels of lemongrass
A beautiful stranger full of fantasies pours sprite into a clear glass.
A beautiful stranger tells me she likes my skirt
A beautiful stranger reminds me of my aunt who passed away, (I want to tell her this but I don’t)
***
I gotta find peace of mind (Lauryn Hill)
What is 90’s R&B? Childhood
My mom snaps pictures of my brother and I on her disposable camera, she watches us run around barefoot in a green field.
(St Louis, Missouri a home that I knew, but holds many memories)
I fall over him, but he holds my hands and pulls me up.
Sitting on the curb I ask a friend,
“Where is my childhood? I can’t find her. I think she might be lost.”
***
The girl next to me tells me I need to preserve my peace
I take this literally.
I fill my days with words I don't understand and sound
Hoping to drown myself in a sound bath - a serene way to die
I plan my death in my planner, alongside my chores and homework
It keeps me organized
Much love to my beliefs not yet defined
I wake up and wonder how I got here
I wake up and don’t always recognize myself
I wake up and can’t feel the ground I stand on
I wake up and call for a name I can’t remember
Much love to dreams sticky and sweet
Much love to dancing half naked and cleaning your room with an open window
Much love to burning candles and ocean shores
“Pray about it”
“I pray every night”
I pray for, my brother
I pray for, my sanity
I pray for, healing
Prompt :
Tell a story about your future.
My future is,
underwater child in Athens, breathe
Is,
a white girl summer in Cape Cod, take me away
Is,
kisses on my forehead, hold me down
Is,
not seeing you for two years, you don’t love me
Is,
hugging my grandma goodbye, see you soon
Is,
tangerine slices and lotus flowers
Is,
lasting love.
Processing…
“Bad Lair” by Selena Gomez makes me think of sand castles in 2017,
family road trips the only thing left for entertainment being our dreams,
snacks from 711 bought on the route, and childish hand games
We learned at Christian summer camps.
My brother leaves soon and I’m lost between excitement and heartbreak.
(call it confusion) His laugh will be a distant memory and his room will be left bare
Stripped like how we used to strip into our swimsuits,
Before it became weird to see each other’s bodies unclothed.
Our thumbs share the same print and even though
our relationship isn't what it used to be
I can't imagine what it will turn into when over
2,000 miles and monthly phone calls is all thats left between us.
My brother and I share Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies on the stoop.
My brother and I wave goodbye from the car to the terminal.
